Sunday, 19 January 2014

Exclusive: New Study Links Immigrant Sea Eagles to Baby-killing Gene

In an extraordinary turn of events an eminent, bespectacled scientist at Aberdeen University has leaked genetic research that highlights the existence of a hitherto unknown genetic link of Scotland's re-introduced White-tailed Sea Eagles to their Norwegian baby-killing ancestors, that struck fear into the heart of Vikings a thousand years earlier. This link may explain the baby-killing tendencies of Scottish-born eagles.

The as yet unnamed scientist exclusively revealed that they have isolated a gene they believe responsible for genetic memory in White-tailed Sea Eagles and through extensive research into the myths, faerie tales and norse legends surrounding this feared child-killer they believe that this genetic imprint contains the key to why the eagles are now devastating the island children in many communities across large swathes of Western Scotland.

Dr C exclusively revealed that " We now think that as Sea Eagles lived for hundreds of  years in close proximity to Viking communities and that as a result they overheard the many fireside legends and tall tales that were told to children in those communities. Today's eagle descendants have retained this memory but crucially in some eagles the gene is faulty and they confuse myth and legend with reality and actually see children as viable prey."

It is clear that there has been a left-wing conspiracy to keep these events from the mainstream media with the lack of young people on Scottish islands blamed on the lack of economic opportunities available and the subsequent movement away from the islands into Scottish urban centres. This is now believed to be a cover story hiding the cruelly premature deaths of many hundreds of predominantly ginger-haired children over the last two decades.

In another twist while refusing to confirm the existence of this genetic research, Alex Salmon, First Minister of Scotland, is quoted by an insider in the Scottish government as being anti-eagle. Salmon apparently suffered a shocking episode as a young man when a drunk group of former UEA students got confused by the instructions from the skipper of a Sea Eagle tour boat and through him into the sea by mistake, where he was terrorised for several minutes by several eagles.

The editor of Scottish Farmer commented " I knew it all along, I may have been mocked and vilified for suggesting Sea Eagles take Scottish children but those claims were made after an extensive investigation conducted to the highest journalistic standards. I stand by my story but what's important now is that those farmers that have been forced to sacrifice lambs to protect their children from these evil eagles are fully compensated for their loss."